Mixed Emotions

Sometimes I find myself so deep in my advocacy work and spending time with family ( my son and his wife visited for a few days)  that I don't have time to write blog posts. I apologize to my readers. 

This past weekend, I attended events for two ovarian cancer organizations. The Teal Tea Foundation (TT) held their 10th Anniversary Gala on Saturday.  And the Kaleidoscope of Hope (KOH) Foundation  held their Annual Awards Luncheon on Saturday. Both NJ based foundations raise funds for ovarian cancer research and awareness.

But in the post will not be writing about the wonderful work these foundations do each and every year.  Rather, I want to share how I felt as one of the survivors in the room.

When I arrive at each one, I am proud. Proud to be involved in organizations that are making a difference.  I am hopeful. Hopeful for the future as I listen to the researchers talk about their work.  Yet, I am sad. So sad that I at times I have to hold back tears. 

Why? You're healthy you say. You should feel good. Yes,  that is true but surviving without your friends by your side is difficult at times.

My friends, three in particular, whose lives were lost due to a gynecologic cancer, were missing from these events - Anne, Shari and Carole. But do you know who was there? Their husbands - Don, Dave and Bob.

I watched the faces of these supportive caregivers as their wives were honored and again as they watched survivors receive a special gift. I glance at my husband who had that look - knowing that he was thinking how it might have been him. 

Don't get me wrong it was wonderful to see Don, Dave and Bob. They knew me during those "no Hair Days". But I got well and their wives did not. So in a way the relationship changed.

It is hard to describe the nervousness and funny feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I first see these men.  Sometimes I worry about what I will say. Do I remind them of a time filled with pain? I'm not sure what I am feeling - survivors guilt maybe?

I haven't seen Don since last year's TT event. We reminisced over the times he brought Anne to support group because she wasn't well enough to drive herself. He told me how he loved hearing all of us laugh at those meetings as he sat in a nearby lounge. That funny feeling started to go away.  Don smiled as I told him about the heron who regularly visits the pond behind my home. Anne loved herons and asked that we think of her when we see one. I think of her a lot. 

It took me until the last 15 minutes of the TT Gala to walk up to Dave. Shari passed away July, 2014. Like Don, the last time  I saw him was last year's TT event.  I walked up to him and said, " I was friends with... " he stopped me mid-sentence and said "Sure I know who you are. Dee, how are you doing?"  and I got big hug and the funny feeling went away. We talked about our families and he repeated more than once how strongly he feels that supporting research is the only way we can make a difference in the lives of women diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I totally agree. Together we are focused on finding a cure.

I've seen Bob a number of times since Carole passed away in February. We both now serve on the Board of KOH. One of the reasons I returned to the Board of KOH was because of Carole and her dream of finding a detection test and a cure. I am happy that I will be working with Bob because we are on the same page when it comes to the importance of research . Seeing him more frequently  keeps the funny tummy feeling from kicking into high gear. 


At events like these two I especially feel the loss of these women but I am glad that I have the chance to see their husbands and families, even if it means I feel such mixed emotions.

I know there are bereavement groups but does anyone know of a group / organization the reaches out to the countless partners, spouses and family members whose loved ones lives were taken by ovarian cancer?

Dee
Every Day is a Blessing! Blessed to know that Teal Tea and Kaleidoscope of Hope Foundations are focusing their efforts on research.

Hitting the DELETE button

I upgraded my phone the other day. In case the data transfer did not work correctly, I decided to go through my contacts and make sure I had all the important phone numbers.

Right up front under letter B was Jeanne Burton. We met each other at the Rutgers Cancer Institute of NJ support group . We talked a few times by phone but once she moved back to Maine it was mostly texts and e-mails.  She would text me updates- "Found a palliative care doctor", "really like my new oncologist" and " you should come visit" .  I wrote about her move to Maine  here. I regret never getting up to Maine before she passed on June 21, 2015. I wrote about the choices she made here.  I deleted her contact info.

Then under C was Courtney Clifford.  Courtney and I became friends in 2006 at the LiveSTRONG Survivors Summit. She experienced the same symptoms I did and was diagnosed a few months after I was.  The difference was she was 23 years old and I was 50. She was the youngest woman I had ever met who had ovarian cancer. We kept in touch through the years and saw each other at the 2008 LiveSTRONG Summit in Ohio her home state. I appreciated her long distance friendship. Sadly I had to write about her passing in 2012 (http://womenofteal.blogspot.com/2011/02/courtney-1982-2011.html) . I deleted her cell phone number.

I got to the letter F and there she was - Pam Favocci. I met Pam at the Rutgers Cancer Institute of NJ Support Group. Over the years we became close friends and together we took part in many awareness activities together. On December 14th she will be gone 3 years.  I honored her in A Friendship Ended Too Soon. I deleted her home number.

Then I got to J and there was Linda Juarez. A few years ago my gyn onc asked if I would talk to Linda. Out of that simple introduction a friendship grew. We both recurred in 2008 and that brought us even closer. We had late night phone calls about clinical trials and texts would arrive during her frequent hospital visits.  She passed in May this year and I  wrote about her here. I deleted her number.

I was a bit surprised when I got to T and I found Rita Kay Thomas' phone number. I forgot I had her phone number in my phone. When I was in college I first met Rita Kay - she was the Assistant Athletic Director. Who knew that our paths would cross 30+ years later. Ovarian Cancer took this amazing woman too soon in October 2012. I wrote about our friendship here. I deleted her number.

I thought about each of those women as I deleted their numbers.

I hated doing it because such a simple action triggered a deep sadness.


Dee
Every Day is a Blessing

Yesterday - Happy and a Bit Sad

Yesterday was May fifth, Cinco de Mayo and it was also my son's 27th birthday. We were not able to spend the day together since he is studying for his PhD and living out of state. I was a bit sad we couldn't be together but it is actually pretty normal for us. In the past 6 years I think we were only together once. We have come to celebrate his special day when he is away with a text, a facebook post and gift sent by snail mail. Happy Birthday Matt!

Yesterday was also a big day for my son's girlfriend, Amanda.  She was graduating Summa Cum Laude from Auburn University. The ceremony was held in the arena but from the photos I saw it was a wonderful event. I'm sorry we missed the festivities. Congratulations Amanda.

Yesterday was The 7th Annual Teal Tea. The Teal Tea Foundation's mission is to raise awareness of Ovarian Cancer and to support research into an early detection test. Since moving to Mercer county I have become involved with the Teal Tea Foundation and in the past I was a  table captain. This year I attended and sat at a dear friend and fellow survivor's table.The theme was Under the Sea and our table was decorated with teal jelly fish.The table captain and decorators won two prizes for the beautiful design. I was so happy to be able to attend and support this wonderful foundation and see so many fellow survivors, caregivers and supporters .

Part of the Teal Tea's  program this year involved remembering four women who were supporters of the Teal Tea who lost their lives this year to gynecologic cancers.

Ann, Pam, Shirley and Rita Kay 

They were also members of the support group at CINJ that I attend and I have written about them and the group in the past. ( It Never Is Easy,  A Friendship Ended Too Soon, One Less Women of Teal - Rita Kay ). This is where the sadness came in to my day.

The first speaker was Ann's husband.  He spoke as photos of Ann and our support group flashed on the large screen behind him. Toward the end of her life when Ann was in a wheelchair Don would drive her and then sit in the waiting area reading. He recalled how he did not hear angry voices or crying but rather laughing and cheering. He told us how much the group helped Ann. I could feel myself getting upset and my eyes started to tear up. But then he read through the list of things that should remind us of  Ann. One of those things was seeing a grey heron. Well, the tears flowed freely as I thought about the grey heron I saw by the pond that morning and he was right I had instantly thought of Ann.

I met Shirley's daughter and granddaughter for the first time yesterday and I felt like I was in Shirley's presence once again. Love and respect were very important to Shirley as was her Faith. Shirley frequently spoke of her Faith with the group and how it helped her face so many tests and trials. When Shirley's daughter spoke she described her mom's love of her family and especially her grandchildren. And when I closed my eyes I could imagine Shirley back in the room and again my eyes teared up.

Then our social worker and the moderator of our group Julie was invited up to speak about Rita Kay. She described Rita Kay's work and wonderful sense of humor as well as her interest in sports and travel. But when she spoke of her being one of the initial group members ( like I am) and mentioned the signature neon green Crocks that she wore to almost every meeting the tears once again flowed freely. Sitting next to me was my gyn-onc. She rubbed my shoulder and asked if I was ok.  I turned to her and said " Not really but I will be". I took a few deep breaths- said my mantra ( With God all things are possible. ) and slowly looked up wiping away my tears. Julie ended her talk with what I and many of the women in the group have told her.  It is painful to loose so many friends to cancer but we would rather have the relationships we built at group then to have never known these women at all.

And she is 100% right about that.


Dee
Every day is a Blessing!