Anxiety and Putting Things in Perspective

Last Wednesday's #gyncsm topic was Dealing with Anxiety. As usual when preparing for a chat I researched some resources and thought about my own personal responses to the questions we were asking. You can find the questions etc on this page.

When I was diagnosed I felt anxious about :
My port functioning correctly ( It worked for 9 years.) 
The chemo working 
Getting an infection when my blood counts were low (This never happened)
Waiting for CA-125 results
Waiting for CT scan results (Frequently called Scanxiety by patients and survivors.)
Having enough energy to get anything done around the house.

When my treatments ended and I was in remission I became anxious with every ache and pain in my abdomen and pelvis or with every upset stomach. Then I recurred and all the things that made me anxious when I was in treatment initially came right back to haunt me. And then of course I added a few new anxiety provoking things. My cancer recurred on my liver and spleen so I worried after surgery about not having a spleen. Then I became anxious when I experienced a severe allergic reaction to carboplatin and needed to be on taxol only. Would a single agent do the trick?

Over time I learned to deal with my anxiety although even while NED ( no evidence of disease) these past few years I still get anxious waiting for scan and  CA-125 results.

Then a few weeks ago something different happened. I hurt my knee. It was a weird pulling type of feeling and in a day or two it was back to normal. Then two weeks ago I felt it again and then last Thursday night after working with my dog outside - POW - the pain was so intense.

The next morning I couldn't put my left foot down without feeling a pain behind my knee. A quick trip to my primary care physician lead to a referral to a orthopedist ( which happens next week) for a possible torn meniscus. I also got instructions to rest it and ice it. The pain I could deal with by taking a few Advil. But what upset me most was that I had to cancel plans I had for the weekend. Canceling those plans raised the same feelings I had when I was in chemo and had to miss so many events with family and friends.

Then the "not knowing"anxious feeling came back too.
Not knowing what the actual diagnosis for my knee pain will be.
Not knowing what the treatment would be.
Not knowing how long it will take to heal.

I was telling my husband how I was feeling and he turned to me and said "You got through cancer treatments you can get through this too". Kind of put it all in perspective.

Dee
Every Day is a Blessing!

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

The other day Nick and I went to one of our favorite Chinese food restaurants. At the end of the meal we were given two fortune cookies. Usually the advice is not too memorable and the lucky numbers only lucky if you actually play them. But after reading the fortunes we got this time I thought how applicable they are to a survivor's life- worrying about a recurrence, scans and CA-125 results and what changes caused by cancer will happen next .

"A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work."
I admit I worry a lot . About my health, and my kids and grandson but I don't think I ever thought of it as exhausting. But you know it really is. When I worry I seem to be more tired. So I think this fortune is pretty accurate. So the next time I start worrying about something I can do nothing about I will try to find some other work to do like practicing with my dog Amber, painting or working in the gardening. They might not be exhausting work but much more productive than worrying.

"Change is not merely necessary to life. It is life." 
How true. If my life didn't change because of cancer I am sure it would have changed for some other reason. It might have changed for a good reason or something even worse than a cancer diagnosis - and yes I can think of things that would be worse.

I am not happy to be a cancer survivor. I didn't like loosing my hair or feeling fatigued. And I still don't enjoy having numb and painful toes but I am here enjoying my family and friends and the world around me and that is all that matters.

Have you any fortune cookie advice you would like to share?

Dee
Every Day is a Blessing!