Off Balance

A few weeks ago I was watching the TV show This is Us and the young character said she felt "off balance".

For some reason those words stayed with me. After the show ended I kept thinking back to how it feels to be "off balance". I will admit I have felt off balance many times after my cancer diagnosis.  It is a bit hard to describe how that feels but I'll give it a shot.

During treatment, I was not doing the things I had regularly done. I wasn't working. My husband and daughter cleaned the house, went food shopping and made all the meals. I learned over time that it was OK to put myself first and to ask for help. But it took some time to get that balance back.

There were times when I was in treatment when I would go out with long-time friends for dinner. I was happy to be there, yet I was off balance. I sat there with my scarf on and looked at their hair. I heard them talk about making plans for vacations or redesigning their kitchen or complaining about traffic. But I was in treatment. It didn't feel right to share how I felt so exhausted that I didn't get out of bed for two days. How my scalp actually hurt - as if my hair had been in a pony tail for days. It was like I was watching them from afar. Maybe I was a bit jealous that they could make plans because I wasn't planning past my next chemo treatment. It was like I couldn't be in the real world while I was in the "cancer world".

Then I finished treatment. Great. I should be happy. And in a way I was but at the same time I was scared. So I was off balance again. I could never go back to normal so I would have to find a new normal. But what was that? I tried but never achieved the old normal. But eventually I had a good new normal going along with the occasional bout of anxiety over CT scans , Ca-125's and doctor appointments.

There are times to this day that having had a cancer diagnosis makes me feel off balance. When I hear of a women I call friend who will be entering hospice or when a clinical trial I hope will show amazing results in treating ovarian cancer comes back equal to the current treatment I feel off balance.

I am thankful for my health care team, my husband, family and friends who help me get  my balance back.

Dee
Every Day is a blessing!